Courageous Conversations

"You want to do what?"

Kathy has more to offer her company.

She is committed to building her career with this organization. But to do that, she may need to move to a different department to expand her understanding and knowledge of the company.

But she knows her boss, Kevin, doesn't want to let her go or lose her from her current position. Kathy decides to speak to to Kevin about getting more and different experience. (14:05)

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Lessons Learned:

• Be prepared - Take time before the conversation to think about possible choices, options and scenarios.
• Be a peer - Stake out your ground in the conversation.
• Listen, Acknowledge, Stay on track - Kathy has an agenda. Bring the conversation back to the topic at hand.
• Draw on the history - Use the history with your boss to present the information in a way that is useful to him/her.

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"What is with you people?"

Calvin has been working on a project for his boss for months. The information for the report comes from all the other business units. He has been in contact with at least one representative from each unit to collect and analyze the data.

Calvin's boss continually changes what he wants and how he wants it. Calvin has to go back to the units to ask for more and different information.

Celia, one of the units' representatives snaps, and takes Calvin to task on this latest request. He needs to take the heat without "selling out" his boss, the process, or his unit. (15:30)

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Lessons Learned:

• Listen - "I really felt like he was hearing me, I had no where to go."
• Be truthful - Don't promise changes, resolutions or resources you can't honestly provide.
• Demonstrate your empathy - Calvin understood what he was asking was a burden on the business unit.
• Be prepared - If there alternatives, offer them. If there isn't, don't.
• Be unabrasive - Strong-arm tactics will not get you the result you need.

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"I am canceling your event"

Susan has been planning the panel discussion for weeks. She got three senior leaders to agree to be on the panel. Another senior leader jumped in at the last minute to be moderator. But Mike, Susan’s boss' boss - who is on the panel - decided to cancel the event at 4:00 the night before because Mike decided he didn't like the new moderator. Susan heard about the cancellation second-hand. She decides to speak to Mike to see if she can change his mind. (15:40)

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Lessons Learned:

• Have alternatives - Susan almost got Mike to change his mind because she had a variety of alternatives, solutions and possible outcomes.
• Have an intention to dialogue - Not just to "make the case," but to hear how the other person sees it as well.
• Be a peer - Both did a great job of being respectful and listening to each other. Even though ultimately it was Mike's decision to make.
• Willing to have multiple conversations - There wasn't enough time to discuss Susan being the moderator. But both were willing to revisit the issue.
• Avoid "to be on the record" - Susan's closing statement was just a bit too strong. She had made her case and it was clear where she stood.

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...'cause you may have a small fit"

Jake is the project's leader. He need to let Randy, his boss know that the budget and the deadline will slip. Randy is not known for being open to this kind of news. Jake’s challenge will be to make sure he does know, does understand the situation and especially what help Jake needs to get back on time and budget. (13:06)

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Lessons Learned:

• Setup a meeting - Find a time - asap - that works for the two of you.

• Have alternatives - Walk into the meeting with 2-3 things Randy could do.

• Stay on task - Can easily degenerate into blame rather than fixing the issue.

• Take responsibility - Jake is the team lead. It is his job to stay on budget and time.

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"How about we cut your party instead?"

Times have been tough. Business is down, profits are thin, budgets are tight.Your job today is to talk to your best, your most profitable, your most reliable employee and to let him know that he has to curb his expenses. No more non-client facing travel, no more all-expense paid lunches at 5-star restaurants.He has never had to pay attention to expenses before because his sales have always been at the top, but times are different now. (13:45)

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Lessons Learned:

• Reaffirm Dick's Contribution - Universal component of every Courageous Conversation.

• Make it a team problem - Include Dick in the problem solving.

• Consider all options - Make sure the cuts are fair.

• Be clear about the reality - 10% across the board cuts is a non-negotiable point.

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"Can I take back what I said?"

Brian, from Human Resources, just found out that some male members of the housekeeping staff have been taking inappropriate pictures of themselves on their camera phones. They have been showing the pictures to other staff members - male and female. Brian also just found out that this has been going on for a couple of years.

The department leadership has collectively shrugged their shoulders and said, "whatcha gonna do?” This behavior obviously needs to stop immediately. Brian decides to start with Helen, the Director of Housekeeping to find out what she knows and how this situation has existed for so long. (15:20)

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Lessons Learned:

• Reaffirm HR's contribution - The goal is always to keep the receiver in the conversation long enough to come to a reasonable resolution.

• Ask questions for understanding - Helps Brian to fashion a solution that could work.

• Consider all the options - Exploring the options - even the seemingly unworkable ones - helps to find the workable ones.

• Be clear about the consequences - For everyone involved.

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"Does your language heighten or defuse the stress?"

Colette Ellis, President, InStep Consulting joins me for a conversation on managing stress. She is recently back from the Yale University School of Medicine and has ideas to share. (19:53)

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You can download a copy of the Coping Ladder and follow along as we work our way up the ladder from choosing Counterproductive activities to the physical steps you can take to manage the stress. On the way up to changing your perception of the problem and finally to engaging in Courageous Conversations with those around you to actually reduce and eliminate those things that are causing the stress.

Colette's Stress Management program can help you and your organization:

• Adopt a problem solving approach to dealing with stress
• Enhance your awareness of health-promoting techniques
• Increase the benefits from your social support network
• Reduce the negative effects of work and personal stressors

Listen to the conversation, download the lessons, share them with your colleagues, use the ideas yourself.

Talk to you soon, Tim.

"Why are you listening to them?"

Sheila has been receiving complaints about Kristy's management behavior from a variety of sources around Kristy - direct reports, other managers, etc. Most of these folks are so upset and dismayed by the behaviors that they would like to see Kristy fired. And they can't really understand why that hasn't happened yet.

Sheila has not seen these behaviors herself, but the chatter has gotten so loud that she decides she needs to talk to Kristy about this information. (13:05).

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Lessons Learned:

• Be prepared - Just like the Boy Scouts. Take a few minutes before initiating the conversation to determine what is the outcome you want to achieve.

• Be specific - Do your due diligence.

• Encourage others - Encourage others to talk directly to each other. Offer help and guidance to do that.

• Reaffirm the relationship - First thing Kristy was worried about - “Am I getting fired?”

• Create a plan - How are you going to find out what is true and what isn’t.

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"This is why I only like to hire guys"

Ralph, the sales manager, is very pleased with the numbers that Ed, his direct report, produces each month - the best in the division. The “what” of Ed’s work is beyond question. Today’s conversation is about the “how.” (10:00).

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Lessons Learned:

• Ease into it - Ralph needs Ed to stay in the conversation with him and hear what he has to say. Sart with something you appreciate about Ed’s success

• Be certain - Ratchet up the consequences and specificity as it goes along. Don't get sidetracked and stick with what you know.

• Be specific - Be as specific as you can as about which words, phrases or situations you are talking about.

• Reaffirm the relationship - Be willing to be “buddy-buddy” with him if you think it will help.

• Multiple conversations - Ed may screw-up again. Be willing to keep raising this topic.

"Sounds like a Cadillac solution to a Pinto problem"

Nick, an employee, chews his gum so loudly that his co-workers and colleagues have moved their desks to avoid the noise. Some have gone the indirect, passive-aggressive route of responding ‘in-kind’ - chewing gum as loudly as Nick does. Phillip, the manager has received these complaints and has decided to talk to Nick. (13:00 minutes)

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Lessons Learned

• Is this the right conversation?- No. A Courageous Conversation needs to happen between those directly involved in this dispute.
• Be direct - Come right out and say, “here is what I have noticed” or “here is the issue for today.”
• How do we solve this? - Make it a problem-solving session, rather than the manager needing to come up with all the solutions.
• "I appreciate that." - A good way to demonstrate that Phillip is hearing and acknowledging Nick’s reasons for chewing gum.

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