Courageous Conversations

"Do you think you should be doing that?"

What a great client event last night. The launch went off without a hitch, the drinks were flowing freely, and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. Except that you saw two of your colleagues, tucked away in the corner, in physical contact that may not have been the most appropriate time and/or place. You decide to talk to your friend/colleague about this behavior. (12:25)

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Lessons Learned:

• Be specific about the consequences - "...something bad might happen" is what caught Chris' attention.
• Support the policy - Pat's not sure it is a problem, but worried that it could be.
• Focus on the impact - Chris' intentions are not what is at issue - it's the behavior and the impact.
• Be a friend - Pat raised the issue because Chris is a friend and cares about what happens to her.

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"I think I am being harassed"

Sasha stops by Mike's office, her boss, to tell him that she doesn't like the emails and attention she is getting from Gordon in Engineering. She wants Mike to take action to get Gordon to stop. (11:55)

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Lessons Learned:

• Is this the right time? - Be sure you have enough time to engage in this discussion. Schedule a time if needed.
• Be direct - Without the use of the word "harassment", it becomes oddly unclear about what is being talked about.
• Be human - Let the employee know you care about what happens to her.
• What's next? - Don't make promises you can't keep, but let the employee know what happens now.

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"What? You think I can't read this properly?"

Nancy is working in an international company and has a colleague in their Brazilian subsidiary. They communicate by phone or by email only. Nancy conveyed some important facts by CAPITALIZING these facts in an email. Shortly afterwards her boss Michael called her into his office. Nancy learned that Raul had badly complained about her. (14.55)

I speak with Regine Albrecht of ExpatLinQ about this conversation. Regine and ExpatLinQ provide services to executives who are relocating cross-culturally and want help in smoothing the transition. She is generous enough to share with me some of the cultural missteps she has seen happen which we practice in the Coffee Conversations.

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Lessons Learned:

• Define expectations upfront - When it goes wrong, you have neutral, agreed upon place to return.
• Check-in Points - Don't assume everything is OK. Double-check. Make sure.
• Speak face-to-face - The words, the tone, the inflection - all valid elements of communication. But none of those can beat body language and facial expressions.
• Speak directly - twice - Give each person a chance to describe the situation in his/her native tongue.

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Why listen to those who are different?

Here is my video commentary (04:14) on a recent article from the Financial Times, "Silencing the dissenters can end your career." Download a PDF of the article.

View commentary in Quicktime.

What's the point of a Courageous Conversation? To learn to listen to people who are different than ourselves. In the words of the article's author, Michael Skapinker, "dissent is good for you." To find our way through the painful process of setting aside our own preconceived notions to find an answer to a problem that might actually be better than our own.

And review the Diversity Conversation post: "Do me a favor...stop denying the Holocaust" to hear the struggle for two colleagues to listen to each other - despite diametrically-opposed view points.

Talk to you soon, Tim.

"Do me a favor?...Stop denying the Holocaust"

Adrian’s coworker, Mahmoud, continually expresses his views about the Holocaust. He insists, despite it being one of the most documented atrocities in history, that the size, scale and truth of the period is in question.

Adrian decides he needs to say something to Mahmoud about this because it is impacting his ability to work effectively with him. (17:45)

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Lessons Learned:

• As soon as possible - Don't let the anger, frustration, disbelief build up to impede the ability to engage in the conversation effectively.

• Decide on the agenda - Is it about the Holocaust itself, or Mahmoud's behavior? Decide before the conversation begins.

• Avoid inflammatory language - It just doesn't help resolve the problem.

• Be willing to leave the conversation - for now - Take a break when it gets too heated.

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"Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to bring him here"

Yang was transferred from Shanghai to your office to be part of your very important project. He is an expert in the field. He arrived two weeks ago and since then he has been calling Gina, your HR rep. for everything starting from needing a driver to pick him up and bring him to work, to asking for a blanket because he was cold at night and who could turn up the heat in his apartment.

Gina was very patient in the beginning but doesn't know how to deal with Yang anymore. She thinks it was a mistake to transfer him because he seems not to be able to do anything. Out of desperation she turns to Cal, Yang's boss, to discuss Yang’s demands. (15:45)

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Lessons Learned:

• Reaffirm HR's contribution - A universal aspect of an effective Courageous Conversation is to reaffirm the employee, her contribution, and her value to the organization.

• Ask questions for understanding - Before offering solutions.

• Clarify the facts - Before offering solutions.

• Acknowledge the emotion - When Cal noticed and acknowledged Gina's feeling of being overwhelmed there was a noticeable relief in her voice.

• Consider potential cultural differences - Consider all the possibilities. And then be willing to research the differences if you need to.

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"How can I trust you..with anything?"

Carol was outed by Steve in a conversation Steve had with his direct report, Sean, back in July. Carol is out to her immediate work group, but not necessarily to the entire organization. She has decided to talk to Steve about this situation. (16:05)

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Lessons Learned:

• Take the risk - The relationship needs to be fixed. Jump in and take a risk.

• Be clear about the seriousness - This matters. Convey that in language, tone, and action.

• Clarify the facts - "Did you speak to Sean?" Carol heard some things. Be sure they are true before reacting.

• Ask questions for understanding - Rather than make a case, ask questions to clarify the differences in perception.

• Acknowledge the emotion - Carol is angry. Might as well openly acknowledge it, rather than trying to keep it under wraps.

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"Why is she crying at work?"

Karl has been receiving complaints about his new employee Sandra. She transferred from Germany about 6 months ago. In some cases, she seems to be unfriendly, even rude and offending sometimes. One colleague came to Karl in tears. Karl has experienced situations himself where Sandra showed a lack in diplomacy and acted close to being “offensive”. (16:45)

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Lessons Learned:

• Acknowledge the cultural differences - Raise this as a possibility early on, e.g., “there may be a cultural difference here.”
• Raise the issue sooner - The first step of the Relate Model is to build Rapport. But, raise the topic of this converation earlier in the conversation.
• Include the employee in the solution - Ask the employee for solutions, ideas, insights into what she could, or would be willing to, do differently.
• Reaffirm the relationship - A universal aspect of an effective Courageous Conversation is to reaffirm the employee, her contribution, and her value to the organization.

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"Are you out to anybody here?"

Steve suspects his colleague Sean is gay. Sean has not come out to Steve, but nonetheless, Steve wants to convey to Sean that he is open and supportive to Sean. But he also wants to convey that in a way without explicitly stating his suspicions about Sean. (16:45).

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Lessons Learned:

• Self-disclose as soon as possible - The initiator needs to take a personal risk to let the receiver know he's serious.

• Avoid the gossip - Talking about the fact the people talk about each other, doesn't build trust. Even though we all know it's true, it doesn't help here.

• Ask for something - Ask Steve to put his money where his mouth is. If he truly wants to be an ally, then ask him to be public about supporting diversity in general, and GLBT issues specifically.

• Reaffirm the relationship - Like every Courageous Conversation, you need to let your partner know you care about him/her as a person, as a colleague, as a contributor to the organization's success.

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Going Beyond Diversity Training - Part Four

"Leaders need to show themselves, declare a future, and stand for their people."

I wrap-up my conversation with Ted Santos, CEO of Turnaround Investment Partners and his article, "Going Beyond Diversity Training." To finish, Ted and I talk about the language and conversations with have with ourselves - our intra-personal dialogues - and how those help and hinder our success.

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Ted's answer is to help leaders to change their language to "declare a future." A future that we can all rally behind. A future that can transcend the issues of race, gender, culture, orientation. A future that is bigger than any one individual.

Check out a couple other articles from Ted Santos: The Dilemma of Creating Problems and Just Change Your Mind.

Talk to you soon, Tim.