Courageous Conversations

"Did you just say what I think you said?"

You and your colleague, Don, are having your usual morning conversation on the results of the weekend’s football, baseball, basketball, hockey,and soccer games. One of the teams he was rooting for lost its championship game. Out-of-the-blue, he uses a racial slur to describe the players. What do you do? What do you say? (10:11)

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Lessons Learned

• Take a breath- Take a breath and change the topic of the conversation from the sporting events to what is happening right now in the conversation.
• It is about what you need - The conversation you are going to now engage in is not about what Don did or didn’t say or even what it means. It is about how you want these conversations to go.
• Keep it simple - Don’t try to convince him that the comments are racist, or sexist, or homophobic, or whatever.
• Reaffirm the relationship - Reaffirm to him, probably more than once, that you want the relationship, and the spors conversations, to continue.
• Multiple conversations - Be willing to revisit this dialogue.

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Lesson #10 - How to pick a conversation

How do I decide with whom I want to engage in a Courageous Conversation, and what does that Conversation need to be about? (05:00)

Two questions to consider:

Does having this conversation, with this person, help to do our work better, faster, easier? If so, continue full steam ahead. Review the other Lessons from the Relate Model and take the risks. If not, we may need to consider a different conversation or no conversation at all. It might just be a personal bias or discomfort that we may just have to live with.

Am I taking a personal risk to have this conversation? To have this conversation, I need to show my conversation partner that I am a peer, another human being. Somebody who cares what he/she has to say, that I want to know more about him/her and that I am willing to be personally vulnerable. (Performance feedback from a manager to an employee is not technically a Courageous Conversation. That's just our job to give and receive feedback. Uncomfortable? Absolutely. Personally risky? Not so much.)

Talk to you soon, Tim.

Lesson #9 - Examine

Step Six of the Relate Model is to Examine. Do I feel more at ease approaching this person again? (04:58).

Congratulations! You finished your Courageous Conversation. Now it is time to step back, review what happened and decide: what worked? what didn't?. Examine the conversation and decide what behaviors, phrases, questions did you use that helped to engage with the other person and build a relationship to him/her? And what behaviors didn't help so much or got in the way?

Download The Relate Model and worksheets before viewing the video.

The Relate Model:

Rapport - Do you know how you will start the conversation?

Engage & Encourage - Did you demonstrate your willingness to take a risk?

Listen - Are you sincerely curious about the other perspective?

Ask & Acknowledge - Does your conversation partner feel heard and respected?

Talk - Did you go beyond hello?

Examine - Do you feel more at ease approaching this person again?

Talk to you soon, Tim.

"Sounds like a Cadillac solution to a Pinto problem"

Nick, an employee, chews his gum so loudly that his co-workers and colleagues have moved their desks to avoid the noise. Some have gone the indirect, passive-aggressive route of responding ‘in-kind’ - chewing gum as loudly as Nick does. Phillip, the manager has received these complaints and has decided to talk to Nick. (13:00 minutes)

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Lessons Learned

• Is this the right conversation?- No. A Courageous Conversation needs to happen between those directly involved in this dispute.
• Be direct - Come right out and say, “here is what I have noticed” or “here is the issue for today.”
• How do we solve this? - Make it a problem-solving session, rather than the manager needing to come up with all the solutions.
• "I appreciate that." - A good way to demonstrate that Phillip is hearing and acknowledging Nick’s reasons for chewing gum.

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Lesson #8 - Talk

Step Five of the Relate Model is to Talk. Did I go beyond hello? (03:50).

All the moving parts of the conversation - listening, asking questions, challenging my own certainties and assumptions - come into play. I need to stay in the conversation and work hard to gain understanding of how my conversation partner sees the current situation.

Download The Relate Model and worksheets before viewing the video.

The Relate Model:

Rapport - Do you know how you will start the conversation?

Engage & Encourage - Did you demonstrate your willingness to take a risk?

Listen - Are you sincerely curious about the other perspective?

Ask & Acknowledge - Does your conversation partner feel heard and respected?

Talk - Did you go beyond hello?

Examine - Do you feel more at ease approaching this person again?

Talk to you soon, Tim.